What do you see when you look at your spouse? The way we see a person often determines the way we respond to them and treat them. If we think someone is judging us or looking down on us or finding fault with us, we are more likely to respond by becoming defensive. Putting on an act to cover our insecurities is another way people often respond in such a scenario.
What you think and feel and see when you look at your spouse matters. Do you see someone you love and someone who is interesting? Do you, despite the number of years you have been married find that your spouse can still surprise you as mine did when he ordered a book of Chinese poetry Late Poems of Lu You, The Old Man who Does as He pleases, translated by Burton Watson, for me and had it shipped out.
What a joy it has been. It is one of those books I have dipped into a number of times since it arrived and it never ceases to delight me and has got me back writing poetry which I’d been neglecting for a while for prose.
It’s also a joy because it shows he took note of something I mentioned when I saw a review of the book in a newspaper. Now, it is a common joke between us that Mick doesn’t take hints and they have to be really obvious. But that’s not the case. When he does pick up on one he does a spectacularly good job of it. So yes, even after all these years of marriage he can still surprise me as I do him, so he told me recently.
On the other hand, if you look at your spouse and see him or her as boring or selfish or augmentative, and only see his or her faults, it’s also going to color the way you respond to them. You’ll be more inclined to be critical and, to not want to spend time with them and talk to them if you know it’s likely to result in an argument.
So try choosing to see your spouse in a positive light, concentrating on and complimenting them on their good qualities and overlooking their faults and see what a difference it makes to your marriage.
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