One of the big complaints and issues for divorced or separated parents, or family situations where there are two houses for a child to go back and forth to—is that there are two sets of rules and this can be confusing for a child. I know that in the early years of my “two-house family” I tried hard to make sure that there was consistency and to minimize the confusion. My kids were much younger and I thought that it would be in their best interest to have at least the rules, bed times, expectations, etc. be uniform in both houses. It probably would have but I was pulling that train all by myself and eventually had to let go and accept that two houses meant two sets of rules and two ways of doing things.
The truth is that it CAN be confusing in the beginning for kids to get used to two different sets of rules and two different ways of doing things, but they will get used to it. Think of how your child learns to adjust his behavior to meet the expectations of different teachers at school, or learns to behave differently at the park than at his older grandparent’s house. If you can manage some basic consistency between the two houses then you are really doing well, but I think it is often unreasonable to expect that things will be identical. And, if you’re like me, you can make yourself rather crabby and stressed just trying to make it so!
This doesn’t mean that I don’t still get into disputes with my kids’ father about things—I do have some absolutes that I refuse to compromise on and I will go to bat every time for them. He still does what he wants and has a much more lax, “whatever” attitude about things that seem important to me in the realm of parenting. I used to get incredibly aggravated because I felt as though my efforts were being undermined. Of course, they were—the kids knew and know that if they don’t like the rules at Mom’s they can always go to Dad’s—but this doesn’t mean I can’t stick to my own guns at my house. Over time, kids learn to adjust and I believe that they do actually respect my consistency. Things ARE gong to be different if kids go back and forth between two houses, but things are going to be different if and when kids go to school, camp, sleepovers, etc. I like to believe that it will help them learn to regulate their own behavior and expose them to a much broader perspective of the world.
Also: How Flexible Do You Have to Be With Your Custody Arrangements?
Your Child Still Has Two Parents