“My child is a really great kid, but…”; “I love the way you straightened your room, but…”; “You did a good job on this school project, but…” Adding in that one little word when it comes to communicating with and about your kids can mean the difference between a great, supportive relationship and one that undermines your child’s self-confidence and creates problems.
It is amazing how the slightest and tiniest of words can be so powerful. “But” is just one of those words (“if only” and “don’t you thin?” are other troublesome phrases.) When we tag that on to things we say to our children–even the grandest and most sincere of compliments, all they hear is the “but” and we’ve negated everything else we might have said. In reality, by adding that “but” onto the sentence, we may have just said something negative and disapproving from the start.
It can take some serious work and retraining to get “but” and “if only” and other such words and phrases out of our vocabulary when it comes to our parenting. We need to separate the compliments from the criticism. Praise and compliments should not come with a caveat of criticism, they just shouldn’t. I know, you’re thinking: “Yeah…but…” It may seem like wrapping a critical comment up inside a compliment is like adding a spoonful of sugar to help the medicine go down. The actual result, however, is that your child ignores anything positive you have said and only hears what comes after the “but”–then, over time, he or she comes to believe that nothing he or she ever does will ever be good enough to meet with your approval.
Of course it is necessary to correct our children sometimes and offer constructive criticism. But, the compliments should also be given honestly and freely–without the “buts.”
See Also: Avoiding Interruptions and Completing Discussions